Awesome Mall action!

Oh yeah. I forgot. I walked into the mall before, and I was surprised to find the price of everything had gone up. The owners obviously decided they didn't like bargains, even though they got the same rate from people regardless of how much the individual store owners made. Now nothing is under 100 meat, and there's big burly Mall guards to make sure it stays that way. sux0rz.

Going to th'tower, dininininih!

That last bit in the title is meant to be a guitar solo, but I don't know how to write a guitar solo with keyboard characters. Also, I have decided that weblog updates on this site are officially sporadic. You can nae longer expect the regularity that has plagued previous posts. From now on, much unlike before, I will post whenever I feel like it/have the time. I would add irony tags, but I consider them beneath me.

And yes. I am going to kick that sorceress' ass. Either today or tomorrow. You can count on it. I'll keep you posted. Sporadically.

Everybody Just Loves to Look at Me

A full-length portrait of me I had commissioned came through the other day, and while I think the artist may have accentuated my feminine features somewhat, I still quite like it. I have a photograph scanned in here. It does look quite girl-ish, but, what are you gonna do? It cost me over 100k, and since I've been robbed, that's quite a bit, though I am quietly Peaking my way to a million. Also, I managed to get a new shiny after showing evidence of choking down five White Chocolate and Tomato Pizzas. I've got a whole case full o'the things now.
Nothing interesting has happened so far. Well, nothing especially interesting. I've slain several hundred of the abominations that frequent the Icy Peak, and they have quite a bit of meat on the bone, which is what I meant by the phrase 'Peaking my way'. It's a bit of a mission, since those Yetis are really annoying. Just annoying. With a lower-case 'a'. I try to stab 'em, and they get stabbed, and they fall down, and I get a little flattened in the process. Just a little. Not any flatter than, say, a piece of paper or a pancake. Just enough to be annoying when it happens several hundred times.
But, as I was saying, I like my picture. It's picture-rific.

Hehe. 'Picture-rific'.

St. Sneaky Pete's Day

Guurrgh. Yesterday was S.t Sneaky Pete's day. Brewed up some green beer, in the spirit of the holiday. Terrible mistake. I drank more than I ever have before, and got into all sorts of trouble. Well, I think I did. I can't really remember. Woke up this morning with a terrible hangover, a couple of can openers, and a big yellow traffic cone. I'm probably better off not remembering. If anybody saw me, stumbling around last night, in a drunken stupor...don't tell me about it. Or anyone else.

Update: No plunging for a while, and it's all Canada's fault.

Been thinking that perhaps I didn't make it clear in the last post that I wont actually be fighting the Sorceress for some time yet. Perhaps some of you got the impressioin I would be doing it today, or as soon as I got the chance or something similar. Yeah, no. I'm going to meditate some more. Meditate on meat, that is. Yeah, I want to pay off some debts before I go all or nothing. If I wind up dead, some skilled mystics could follow me into Valhalla and demand I pay them, which I won't be able to do, since I'll be dead. Not that I'm not confident I'll win. I'm just...not confident I'll win. Yeah.
Also, I've bought a display case at the Cannon Museum. Currently got some pants. Yep. Pants. It's pretty awesome.

By the way, I've been trying to find my way around this interweb thing. I figured since I'm trying to attract visitors to Loathing using it, I should know how to use it. I feel pretty confident in my abilities, and I rather like a fellow weblog, written by someone called Boingboing or some other ridiculous name. Seems a little silly if you ask me, but I came across this post just now. Not that I intend to regularly comment on stuff, but I say it's obviously all because of Canada.

Taking the plunge. Into a pool. Of Awesome.

Well, after much meditation alone on the subject, I've decided to do it. Fight the Sorceress, that is. I've thought about it, and realised that there's really nothing stopping me. Sure, I could die, but on the other hand I could pass the test, finish the quest and get the crown. Crown of beating the Naught Sorceress, that is. That is also why there have been no posts for some days. Yep, that's meditation. It sure does take time.
My method of meditation is unusual, in that it involves frequent and repeated slaying of monsters and beasties. While contemplating deep thoughts. Some people mught say it's not meditation at all, it's just the same thing I always do, with added contemplation. Those people are quitters. After all, didn't some philosopher or hippy or somesuch crap say, "Pleasure is the highest good"? Yes. They did.
So, back to the point, I'm going to go open a can of whoopass on that Sorceress's ass. I'm going to be the hero of the land and everybody will love me. Maybe Susie will even ask me out. Oh yeah. In fact, the more I think about it, the less unsure I am. I'M GONNA GET ME SOME ARENA-MISTRESS TAIL, MAN!

w00t.

Weird happenings

Whoa. Rumours have it that yes, the Naughty Sorceress has returned, and yes, she is very naughty. I'm not going to try and rid the land of her and save the world from a thousand years of darkness for a while yet, though. I want to raise my familiars, you see, get me a shiny. Some crazy-ass mofo shit has been going down though. A couple of hours before midnight, everyone's doors locked. Pretty big coincidence that everyone was indoors at the time though. Then the giant 1 in the sky changed to a giant zero. After I got out, I thought I was just imagining it, since I couldn't find anyone else who could see it, but there were a few others who did. Sorcery! A bunch of people have gone up to fight her, but none of then have returned. There has been a sudden influx of new players, though. With the same names as the missing ones. Eerie. I've got a funny feeling about this. Everyone got locked in again last night, and people were really worried, but then a giant martini glass showed up in the sky and everybody got let out. I'm going to go adventure in that weird door in the forest for a while, 'cause some people have said that would help in the Tower. I'm a little worried about the whole thing. Something strange is happening in the Kingdom.

If you less-than-three it so much, why don't you marry it?

That number on that new star appears to have stalled, after changing from a 3 to a <3. I imagine that Sorceress is trying to be clever or something, although I don't quite get it. It's a '1' at the moment, though, so just a few more hours to go.
Yesterday, this weird-ass place, the 'Spectral Pickle Factory' appeared in the Nearby Plains. I'd never seen it before, but I had heard about it, and it's where the Ghost Pickles on a Stick come from. I adventured there as much as I could, because apparently it never stays for very long, and I managed to get some ingredients for Spectral Pickles, which seem to be the most nutritious food in the land. I only have two ghost cucumbers, so I figure I'll make one Spectral Pickle and sell the rest of the ingredients at the Mall, make me some moolah. It did disappear, but I wondered what would happen if someone was INSIDE it when it disappeared. Would they disappear with it, would it disappear around them, it's something I would have liked to have seen.
Some people from Clan Otori cast some spells on me for no apparent reason. I'm not sure why, since you're supposed to pay them a minimal amount for the spells, but I didn't pay anything. Could be some sort of mistake. I am protected by three Saucespheres, have an newfound affinity for my hovering sombrero, and feel a lot like breaking into song. I'm a little confuzzled by it all.

Eep

Yeah, I've been a little slack. Slack as in 'lazy and not posting', but several rolls in the hay, a large hangover, and a gigantic star in the shape of a number appearing in the sky, things have been a little hectic in Loathing.
First off: a roll in the hay is a type of drink, you dirty little bugger.
Second: drink = hangover.
Third: Yes, a new star appeared in the sky, so bright it is even visible by day, hanging over the bane of Loathing, the Tower of the Naughty Sorceress, who has been plagueing the land with such most terrible monstrosities as hippies, pirates and frat boys. The Naughty Sorceress is the source of everything terrible that has happened in the land, so the Council tells us. The number changes at midnight, so it's possible that it is the number of days until the Sorceress returns to her tower.

Well, my clan completely ignored the Feast of Boris last Saturday, the 7th of Boozember. They don't care a whole lot about their well-being. Ingrates. I kind of slept through most of the day yesterday, but I did get time to make my quota of dry noodles (this conjuring is strictly controlled by rules placed by the League of Chef-Magi in conjunction with the Council of Loathing, in order to prevent terrible things happening. Terrible things), so I could still make six chow meins today. I don't really think the clan really appreciates the value of the chow meins - despite being absolutely delicious, the give you plenty of energy for adventuring, and make you stronger. In fact, they're probably one of the most nutritious foods in the land, just behind ramen and ahead of lime pie. I slew some cans of asparagus (and tomato) today, searching for a stalk of asparagus for tofu chow meins (ugh, probably the exception in terms of taste, rather than the rule. Damn dirty hippies), which I was quite successful in. I also got some tofu from the hippy camp, and, my quest complete, made up some tofu and pr0n chow meins. All of which (save a single pr0n chow mein, which I needed for enough energy to stomach going into the sewer for spices) I deposited into my clan's stash of items. I'm so great and giving, I could compliment myself all day. Of course, up to this point, whenever I have said 'today' I have actually meant 'yesterday', as you do. From hereonin (not to be confused with heronin, a japanese warrior-dude who takes drugs), today will refer to today, OK?

Monday, Dougtember 1
Didn't do much today. Worked out at the gym.

Full of Spicy Goodness. Or possibly, "That's-a Spicy-a Meat-a-ball!"

About the title. It's not so much that I spent the day hunting for spices, as it is the first thing I did when I woke up this morning. 75 minutes odd spent in the sewer. Takes 5 minutes to trade items with the sewer gnomes. 15 spices. Not a heck of a lot. I just couldn't think of anything else for a title.
I went to Cobb's Knob and tried to snatch some chef's hats off of the barbecue-ers there. Those buggers are fast, I tell you, you could probably spend hours chasing one round, trying to grab his tongs or what have you. I did get one, in the end. Just the one, from almost 9 hours of adventuring. Still, I did get 12,00 meat on the market for it. Pretty awesomtastic. Trying to make back me money that got robbed. I got a bunch of chef's hats from some attentive people in my clan, but I daren't sell those, they were intended for making chef-in-the-boxes, and I couldnae betray my clan's trust like that. Speaking of those, one exploded last night, embedding a piece of shrapnel in my forehead. Don't you just hate it when you get shrapnel from an explosion embedded in your forehead? It's just so irritating, and it's always happening, you can never get away from it. In fact, if I had a penny for every time a piece of shrapnel from an explosion was embedded in my forehead, I'd have £4.63.
By the way, when I say the Knob Goblins are fast, I mean, they are fucking fast. For Nite's sake, they've got peregrine falcons for legs or something, I swear. Dear Johnson, just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm in some crazy-ass mofo timewarp where everybody except me is The Flash. They are really that fast. Really. Must be growing up in the...mud...and caves...which, naturally...makes them...okay, so I have no idea why they're that fast, they just are. Shut up, I'm not slow.
That raffle o'mine, it wasnae working out, so I got the raffle-guy to refund everybody's tickets. Bummer to me, aw. I was hoping to make a tidy profit, but tiny pieces of plastic made South of the Border for less than half a piece of meat aren't in as great demand as I thought.
And I'm still getting no love in the way of dry noodles from my clan members.

Still looking for those other people. Let's just assume I constantly am, from now on, until I say otherwise.

Other people

Well, I'm looking for some other people to help me work on this-here weblog. Preferably five people, all from the other walk's of an adventurers life.
To explain to those who aren't natives of Loathing: Among adventurers of Loathing, there are three main groups of people, divided into two classes each. There's Chef-Magi, and then there's those other guys. Fighter people and stealy people. To be more precise, pastamancers, saucerors, seal clubbers, turtle tamers, disco bandits and accordion thieves. I myself am of the order of that most noble of crafts, Pastamancy, the greatest of Jarlsberg's teachings.
Ja, so I'm wanting one of each. Just to stick stuff here. Talk about experiences in Loathing. Get others acquainted with the country. Attract media publicity, and maybe hire a few prostitutes. Just to be glamourous, you know. Prostitutes aren't necessary. But we'll ("we" being the staff of Living la Viida Loathing) pay for them.

How very much I hate hippies

My clan still doesn't seem to have gotten the message, yet, even with the Feast of Boris (an opportune occasion to engorge themselves on free food) coming up in a couple of days.
I felt kind of bored today, so I went out hippy-slaying. I've got an old boat, which I took over to the nearby mysterious island (it donae really have a name), where there's a big hippy camp. It's pretty easy to just walk in there and beat the crap out of a whole bunch of filthy hippies. There's nothing really to loot there, except for hippy stuff (Yuk! Hippy food!). Brownie mix, pieces of driftwood, incense. Stupid dirty hippies. It was pretty relaxing.
It was also a chance to test out that hovering sombrero I got the other day. It's a chicken-ghost underneath an oversized Borderian hat. I'm not quite sure what it does, but it sure looks cool. I've named it mexicality (with the x pronounced h). I couldn't really see any benefits it was giving me, but think I did find a few more items and shit with it there. Wasn't sure, though. I'll probably just wait for someone better at this to figure it out.
When I've finished, with my sombrero quite a bit stronger (he already had an advantage, because of the noodle-leash I've put on him. It gives me a bit more control over his actions). I go home, eat some stir-fry (naughty stir-fry, too. Ooohoohoohoo), then drive over to the Familiar Arena. I let mexicality have a couple of tries in there, hoping to get something to make him stronger. No such luck. It seems the Arena Mistress (one smoking babe, by the way) doesnae have any tiny maracas in stock. Bummer. Have to buy them.
On the way home, I bump into a guy running competitions, and decide to set up a raffle with some of my prizes from lucky surprise eggs, all the uncommons. Yeah. I do that. Going slow so far. Seems nice enough idea, though.
I go to the mall, get some tiny maracas for my little flying-hat friend, spend some time getting tanned at the Gym, and that's my day. Not too interesting, but probably more interesting than yours.

Chef-in-da-box, foo

Well, I was feeling pretty down today. Reflected on my robbing (someone figured out the combination lock on my house last week, broke in, stole all my stuff and made some nasty phone calls to my super-1337 DeeJay clan which resulted in me getting kicked out. Bummer) and thought about going into market-playing, but figured I don't have enough meat yet in case I make a boo-boo somewhere.
So, I went over to my current clan's Hall, looked at some of the magic books in the library. Kind of feel that I really learnt something new about pasta today through that. I was really only doing it to let the effects of that piece of candy I ate yesterday wear off. That thing was a killer. Hint for all you guys: skull = badness. Then I went over to Cobb's Knob, looking for one of those Chef's Hats, found one today, and it didn't take very long either. I stuck it on the skull with a gob of meat, then stuck it on a spring in a box and gave it my oven. I've stuck it at my campground, but since I'm doing this cooking job for my clan, it probably won't be long till it blows up again. I've still got a nasty bruise on my face from that explosion yesterday. And now I've got my new one to cook for me, I can give it all the nice new ingredients my clan gave me and let it be, saving me a shitload of time. Which I do.
I figure to make some moolah, I'll adventure me some at the old Tower I mentioned yesterday, searching for some brains. Braaains. Ya. Brains get a bunch of meat in the mall, 6 or 7 thousand odd, so it's an easy enough way to make thirty or forty grand a day. I managed to get one, then looked around for a bit more. I got kind of tired with that, so I went to the mall to stick it in my store.
I should probably explain something about the mall: it's huge. No, huger than tha. Huger than that, even. There's some kind of weird, L-Space thing going on here, because there's a long line of stores going for a couple of kilometres as far as you can see. Plus, there's a crazy-ass sideways elevator with no floor buttons. It has a keyboard instead, and you can type in an item you want, and the elevator takes you to a store with that item. To top off the weirdality, if you press a certain button on the wall of the store, then the next time you go to the mall that store will be at the very beginning. It's all very...shifty. That's shifty as in shift-y, meaning stuff shifts a lot, rather than shifty as in suspicious. People keep adding meat to their advertising budget as well, and that also moves stuff around. It's kind of disorienting. Very disorienting, actually, especially if you've never been there before.
After that, I was kind of tired, so I hopped in my meatcar and went South of The Border. The Border, by the way, is a big dotted line on the beach. It's kind of relaxing there. Good for getting low-grade, foreign chewing gum, and I got some tequila out of it as well. Awesomtastic.